Vagrant Story and the Jerry Springer Show
by Chibirya
Summary: Tons of fun and some more bad shonen ai humor! ^_^


Vagrant Story and The Jerry Springer Show Hiya all! Thanks to all those that read and commented on my last Vagrant Story fic, it motivated me to write another. (Yeah so it's your fault the stupid gay jokes shall continue ^o^) Anyway I can promise that this story will probably be worse. Yes I know putting Vagrant Story characters on Jerry Springer isn't too original, but hey all RPG characters need their turn. :p Btw ugh I can't help but to feel like this story needs to be revised… so about some constructive criticism… please pretty please? 

Vagrant Story and the Jerry Springer Show 

  
"Ah another undeserved day off." Jennifer is once again talking to herself as she contemplated the empty room. In front of her sat a wide screen TV blank and quiet. On top of it sits a DVD player, VCR, and a beat up playstation. The spoiled smirking brat grinned at the equipment wondering what she should do first. Well playing a videogame would be fun but way too much work to push buttons so … She flopped on the comfy couch narrowly missing the cat and turned on the TV with the remote.   
The screen flickered to life, the screen displaying the words "Jerry Springer" and underneath "My lover is cheating with another man." The girl shrugged letting the remote drop from her fingers as the show began:   
A crowd of screaming people, sat grouped together in the studio, chanting the name of the man who entertained them with the sick depravities of human nature. The chant filled the studio until the ringmaster himself, Jerry Springer, waved them off and began to speak. "Welcome to the show. Today's topic deals with men cheating on their loved ones with other men. To begin with we have a young woman named Samantha."   
The camera turned and focused on a slight blonde woman dressed in a tight dress that was entirely too short, however the length of her boots pretty much covered the rest up. She clutched a handkerchief in a gloved hand and occasionally dabbed at her eyes. Tears threatened to break from her watery eyes any moment. "Samantha please explain your situation to the audience." Jerry said his expression kindly and caring.   
The young woman took in a shaky breath and started talking; "My lover Romeo Guildenstern, whom I've been spending quite some time together, is cheating on me. He refuses to admit it but I know he is lying, so I've brought Romeo here to confront him."   
"And that's not all is it Samantha? Didn't he also stab you?" Jerry asked with a solemn expression. "Are you sure he loves you?"   
At that last sentence Samantha head snapped up, a dark look on her formerly tear-soaked face. "My Romeo loves me. It's that harlot Sydney that has changed him. The moment he saw that religious fanatic my Romeo has been bewitched."   
"Oh yes I understand." Jerry replied unaffected by her tone. "Let's bring him out." A knight dressed in shiny silver armor and a skirt strode serenely to his seat next to Samantha, seemingly oblivious to the hoard's usual roar. As well as ignoring the woman nearby with practiced coldness. After a few more moments of booing the crowd settles down and Springer starts speaking again.   
"Well Romeo you've heard what Samantha has to say about you. What is your response?" The talk show host asked tapping cue cards lightly against his hand.   
Romeo brushed a hand through pale hair as he replied. "I tire of her incessant chattering and whining, the wench doesn't seem to take a hint." He turned to look at her with irritation.   
"Why are trying so hard to get rid of her? And what about this Sydney, why choose him over her?" Jerry asked while Samantha started sobbing under Romeo's harsh scrutiny.   
"I have uses for him." A most evil smirk appeared on Romeo's face for a moment, and then quickly covered it up. "I mean uhm he fulfills my needs." He said with a sincerity that couldn't have fooled a retarded child.   
"Don't I fulfill your needs?" Samantha wailed pitifully as everyone in the room ignored her.   
"Would someone shut her the hell up? I can't eat my Cheerios with that hellish shrieking pounding in my ears!" The angry voice came from a slight blonde's form as it materialized quite suddenly on stage. Metal claws clutched a huge box of Cheerios to a bare chest as the room quieted to some degree. Only to some degree because Samantha was still crying.   
"Sydney!" The angry blonde found himself trapped in a hug by none other than Romeo and the crowd yelled as though it was some sort of a event. This only lasted a second, Romeo soon found himself kissing the cold ground. Which is by far a much better scene.   
The black butt cape swished and the sorcerer stalked to a chair muttering about depraved madmen. He immediately decided the position of the furniture was too close to Romeo's proximity and moved it a good distance away.   
"Sydney." Jerry finally spoke as the hoard finally calmed down. "I think I speak for everyone when I ask did you just hit Romeo? Isn't he your lover?"   
"Only in his dreams and in Samantha's nightmares." Sydney shrugged idly casting aside a few Cheerios. "I belong to no one." He finished watching amused as a security guard helped Romeo to his feet, guiding him to his chair, while another swept away the cereal. Grinning like a madman Sydney dropped a few more watching the irritated guard clean them up.   
"Anyway." He continued crossing black leather clad legs. "He cut off my tattoo and left me to die. Only an idiot would have a relationship with that sick bastard."   
"Heh yeah it was fun." Romeo admitted finally conscious. "But Sydney I said I was sorry! Besides I told you already I'm not into being evil anymore…"   
"Yeah yeah go to hell." Sydney waved dismissively. As the blonde spoke Jerry played with his cue cards thoughtfully, waiting for a chance to start a fight no doubt.   
"Is it not true, that you have a boyfriend already? A Riskbreaker named Ashley Riot?" The host asked, already knowing the answer.   
"He is my favorite pawn." Sydney smiled fondly at the thought. "And he certainly matches any challenge presented to him in the games played." Even the dull witted audience couldn't miss the out right sexual innuendo, applauding as the sorcerer basked in the attention.   
"You see! He's nothing but a harlot!" Samantha screeched angrily and lunged for Sydney but the guards caught and held her back in an instant.   
"I think its time we brought out our next guest." Springer dramatically signaled as the recently mentioned knight walked on stage. Ashley was dressed in all black leather, from his pants to the huge overcoat hanging on his broad frame. Strangely he was missing a shirt much like the sorcerer and a huge bookbag hung on his shoulder. With a cold expression he dropped the bag on the floor next to his chair and sat down.   
"Well welcome to the show Ashley. We're interested in your take on the situation, would you care to explain?" Jerry asked with that constant forced friendliness.   
"It's simple." Ashley looked up to study the group. "Samantha and Romeo are delusional and Sydney is a evil manipulative freak."   
"But aren't you and Sydney lovers?"   
The knight scowled at the sorcerer, who snickered evilly. "He teaches me the ways of the Dark that's all, it is something actually I'd rather not know."   
"Oh please." The sorcerer rolled his eyes. "You certainly weren't complaining when the tattoo of the Rood was branded on your back."   
Before Ashley could complain again a voice interrupted: "You ingrate! Sweet Sydney gave you power! More power than you deserve!"   
The room grew quiet for a moment as a man, wearing just an orange bodysuit, jumped onstage. Then everyone began to scream in horror.   
"Eww! Get that dirty thing off stage!"   
"Good god! What sewer did he crawl out of? Samantha give that hankerkrief to me! I'm going to throw up!"   
"Do I have to kill him again?"   
"Sydney! Please tell me there's a spell that can block this powerful stench!"   
"Ugh! I thought I told Someone to at least hose Rossencratz down before allowing him in here. Someone is going to be fired today." Springer snarled through the hankerkrief that covered his nose.   
"But we did!" Someone screamed from backstage desperate not to be fired.   
"I'll take care of this." Ashley stood up pulling his sword, the Fandango, from its sheath. At the sight of the advancing knight, Rossencratz shrieked and ran into the crowd and everyone conveniently moved out of the way. While a bear…uh Ashley follows close behind.   
"I wonder." Sydney said tapping his scary claws idly on the chair. "Why are Riskbreakers so scantily clad? That jumpsuit on Rossencratz couldn't be any tighter, you can ugh see everything." He remarked with a disgusted shiver. "Also dear Ashley's shorts had these huge holes in the back….not that I'm complaining."   
"It is quite simple: Riskbreakers are bimbos." Guildenstern laughed. At the sound of his insult the two men stopped in their tracks.   
"For the honor of the Riskbreakers!" Rossencratz and Ashley ran through the crowd charging at Romeo. While Samantha shrieked in fear a box of Cheerios mysteriously flew into her face knocking the girl down. As the brawl ensued Sydney quite suddenly appeared next to a pleased Jerry Springer.   
"This a interesting show you have here. I must commend you in your service to the Dark." Sydney commented metal claws clanging together as he clapped. However before the host could reply the sorcerer's cereal box slamming into its owner's head. Shrieks of laughter filled the room directed at the fuming blonde. As he climbed to his feet the first thing Sydney saw was a laughing Samantha staring at him. As their eyes met she held up her middle finger, a universal sign understood in all cultures and people. With a snarl, Sydney teleported to Ashley's bookbag and started rummaging through it for a moment and then grabbed something.   
Meanwhile 'poor' Romeo was trying to dodge Ashley's swift blade and Rossencratz…. well he is kinda smelly. "Wait!" Romeo choked through his handkerchief. "If we kill Ashley, Sydney will have to choose one of us as his successor." At the evil knight's suggestion the offensively dirty man's face contorted in a most foul look and it seems Ashley is outnumbered.   
"H-hey!" Ashley protested backing away from the pair, even while a tennis racket whizzed by his head smacking Samantha in the face. "Damn it! That was my tennis racket! Sydney!"   
The sorcerer chuckled and shrugged, pulling out another item from the black bookbag even as Samantha charged, obviously very pissed. With a tremendous tug of strength the slight man pulled out the author's favorite weapon: the Bosom Cleaver. In other words a huge scary hammer that can cleave bosoms or something. But since the author does not feel like describing bosoms being cleaved, Sydney will swing the hammer like a golf club and scream: "Fore!"   
The end result is that poor traumatized Samantha goes flying into the crowd. That poor young woman is not the only one miserable, however Ashley is being assaulted by two jealous men something that Sydney is not quite unaware.   
"Hey! Ashy!"   
"I told you not to call me that!" The knight scowled as he turned and caught the hammer thrown in his direction.   
"Just shut up and do what you do best." Sydney winked at his disciple, and with a blush Ashley swung the hammer sending the bimbo in the orange jumpsuit hurdling into the crowd.   
"Now." Ashley pointed the Bosom Cleaver at Romeo. "Get the hell away from me and sit down." The goggled-eyed knight nodded meekly and back away sitting sedately in his chair. Ashley also returned to his chair tossing his hammer back into the bookbag. Meanwhile Sydney seemed to study the crowd with quite a bit of concentration, brows furrowed and arms folded around his bare chest. After a moment grey eyes flew open and the sorcerer grabbed his chair and swung it into the air. Mysteriously to seemed to hit Rossencratz square on the back as he was trying to get up. Very strange indeed.   
Sydney immediately regretted the action however because he was now without a chair. But as he turned to see Ashley rolling his eyes at him the blonde suddenly had an idea.   
"Hello chair." The knight could only grimace as he found metal claws wrapped securely around his neck and a smug sorcerer sitting in his lap. "I'd advise you not to complain Riskbreaker." Ashley's frown deepened as Sydney scratched him playfully.   
"Sydney you can sit on my lap." Romeo offered which was followed by a woman's shriek.   
"No." Both Ashley and Sydney replied firmly.   
"Hey! You forced me to say that! Quite using your damn powers on me!" Ashley snarled.   
"Sure Ashley just blame me. I force you to do everything right?"   
"Oh just shut up!" Even as the pair argued Samantha was climbing back on the stage, and Romeo suddenly ripped off his shirt.   
"Samantha!" The shirtless weirdo commanded. "Magic marker!"   
"Uh what is he doing?" Ashley turned to stare as Samantha pulled a black marker out of her pocket and began to draw on the knight's backside.   
"Well remember when Guildenstern cut off my tattoo and glued it to his back? Well he actually sucked at skinning me so badly; when he was done it was hardly recognizable. So he had Samantha draw the symbol on his back instead. It works just as well." Sydney shuddered at the memory as Romeo skin changed from white to black. "He has the demonic powers of Michael Jackson. Well take care of it huh?" Sydney teleported out of Ashley's lap and stood away from the carnage.   
"I always have to take care of everything." Ashley grumbled as he stood with the author's favorite weapon in hand. The Riskbreaker practically pounced upon his prey though and began swinging.   
"Nice weather we're having." Sydney remarked as blood splattered everywhere. One must comment upon the faces of the audience, they had not ceased their loud screams but now had looks of disgust and horror.   
"Fore." Ashley calmly remarked as Romeo's head went flying through the air and where it landed nobody knows. Well that's a lie it really landed on Rossencratz but let's the give the poor guy a break.   
"Romeo!" Samantha shrieked and burst in tears.   
"Hopefully he'll stay dead this time." Sydney remarked grabbing the chair Romeo used to sit in and dragged it next to Ashley's chair. He sat down as the Riskbreaker cleaned his weapon with the remains of Guildenstern's skirt. Ashley threw the cloth aside and sat down looking extremely bad ass and generally scary.   
The audience was completely silent, even Jerry Springer stood there to say the least looking a little shocked.   
"Now." Ashley said flatly. "What else do you have planned for us Mr. Springer?" The talk show host of course recovered from the surprise and smiled his usual blank expression.   
"Well there's Grissom, Tieger, and Neesa…" Springer said tugging on his collar nervously.   
"Oh for….what does this have to do with the show's so-called theme?" Ashley said with exasperation slapping his forehead with a gloved palm.   
"Be quiet, all of this is quite amusing." Sydney smirked. "Why don't you bring out the rest of your guests for us." As the sorcerer spoke the three mentioned knights strode on the stage, actually two of them walked while the other ran.   
"What the hell is Grissom doing?" Ashley asked pointing to the zombie hugging the wailing Samantha.   
"Don't cry fair lady! I will take care of you." Grissom said with a gentle soothing voice.   
"B-but I don't understand…" Samntha hiccuped as Grissom wiped away a few teardrops. "Why do you care so much?   
"I love you!"   
"Oh Grissom…."   
"Oh shut the hell up…" Sydney rolled his eyes, most likely cranky because the attention is away from him.   
"Riskbreaker, it's time to die." Tieger and Neesa stood in front of Ashley's chair weapons drawn.   
Ashley stopped looking at the scene nearby and turned towards the two warriors. He shrugged and sighed. "I'm immortal, sorry but you'll have to kill something else."   
"Shit!" The dark skinned woman, Neesa, pouted and stomped her foot irritably.   
"I don't suppose you know of anything else that we can kill…" Tieger looked at the darkly clad man with a pleading expression.   
"Well…" Ashley thought for moment. "Rosencratz is still in the audience…"   
"Thanks!" Both knights bounded ethusiatically into the group of consistently screaming people.   
"Good job!" Sydney slapped his disciple on the back as the sound of Rosencratz screaming filled the room. "I knew you could be evil."   
"Can we just leave now…?" Ashley asked tiredly.   
"Hmm…" The sorcerer looked around, Grissom was cuddling Samantha and Rosencratz had all ready fled with Tieger and Neesa hot in pursuit. "I suppose." Both leather clad men got up from their seats and walked offstage.   
"H-hey! Wait a minute!" Jerry Springer called out to them but neither really felt like listening or caring. "Someone get the Springer-cam!"   
"Yes sir!" Someone replied and followed the men with a camera.   
"Voices… leave me alone! Go away!" Grissom shrieked holding his head while Samantha who had some sense, recognized the signs and ran offstage.   
"Grissom? Are you all right?" Springer asked as the zombie's eyes glowed red that once again did not come from excessive drug use.   
"Kill! Devour!" The once sane zombie shrieked and charged at the crowd and did unmentionable things that happen in horror movies and stuff.   
Conveniently the scene on the television changed to the Springer-cam, probably in the hopes that the company will have less lawsuits. Displayed on the extra camera, carried by Someone, was Ashley pinning a certain sorcerer to the wall in the studio's hallway and kissing him quite scandalously. The passionate embrace continued until Ashley realized that Someone was filming him. Both knight and cultist turned with an evil snarl and raised their fists striking the poor cameraman.   
"Hey Brawn, do you have anything to wear? I'm freezing here."   
"Flannel or state of Massuchetts shirt?"   
"Gee I really have all that I need."   
Those were the last words seen on that day of the Jerry Springer show. That day its viewers were deprived of hearing Springer's ending speech and they rejoiced. 

****** 

Author's Note: Spring Break does very scary things to my mind….toodles! 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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